I was having one of those days…where character defects were glowing and my mind winning. I needed a respite—a place where I could let the teardrops roll and no one see. Of course at that moment, my office was booming with activity. So I sought refuge in the first quiet, unattended office.
Unexpectedly, Tracie walked into her office and found me, along with my tears. Thus began an impromptu tenth step. I had no other choice other than to bare my soul.
As with any successful tenth step, truth was soon flowing freely from Tracie’s lips. She ended by asking: Is there some area you are not living in spiritual principle?
I sat with that for a moment. Abruptly, I blurted out: I wish I were Jesus!
After laughing hysterically and catching her breath, she asked, “where’d that come from?” I knew exactly where—deep within the recesses of my insanity. I have an incessant need for perfection and complete inability to accept anything less from myself. Jesus navigated His life and trials with perfection, walking every step of His journey in perfect accord with God’s will.
“Progress not spiritual perfection” is a tall order, especially for me. Although I desire to walk in perfect accord with God’s will, I fail. Selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear do crop up, and I experience emotions, usually in the form of shame and guilt, for not living up to perfection.
The question struck the right spiritual vein—there was an area in my life I was making selfish decisions. I was seeking to placate my temporal needs rather than feed my spiritual soul. I was blocking my spiritual growth and causing harm to another individual along the way.
So it turns out I am human after all. But If I am awake to the unrest I feel internally on these days, they truly become growth opportunities. Living by spiritual principles 100 percent of the time is not only impossible, it is ultimately unproductive. Seeing my truth, forgiving my shortcomings, and setting myself right with God for the next day allows my human limitations to become assets, and as a result, I grow. Human tears and emotions are part of my journey, one that I am glad to be awake to today.
“Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.”
Vickie Bing is the Alumni Coordinator for BRC Recovery. She received her B.A. in English from the University of Texas at Arlington. Vickie is a former high school teacher and an Air Force veteran. You can read other posts on her blog at The BRC Recovery Blog.