This evening I was driving alone to my office to finish up a few things when my oldest son called. I was telling him ALL the Holiday plans (read MY Holiday plans) – what time church was, when presents would be opened, what time dinner would be on Christmas Day, what the family plans were for New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day…When suddenly he interrupted me and said, “Mom, you don’t have to make everything perfect in order to make up for the past. You’re a great Mom, and the ripple effect of your recovery on me and my brothers and sister far outweighs any damage done during your active alcoholism.”
I sat for a moment silent and stunned as his words sunk in. Not only was he right, but I had been completely blind to all of my efforts to somehow make it “better” by my own hand. I swallowed tears, stuttered and thanked him and told him how much I loved him as we hung up.
Wow. What a powerful lesson was just served up…
In recovery, I have learned that there exists one Power, and that One is God. Only through a deep and effective, personal relationship with a living God have I been able to recreate my life through the recovery process. Because of this fact, my life, and the ripple effects of it, are better than anything I could have imagined. Sometimes, however, I still get caught up in trying to manufacture perfection and show the people I love how different I am and how worthy I am of their love and approval.
Today, the simple remark by my son once again awakened me to the great fact that there is no need for me to struggle for perfection, or “hustle for my worthiness” as Brene Brown says. I was born worthy, lovable and a perfectly broken Child of God. The only requirement for me is to continue to practice spiritual principles along with a program of action called recovery. The rest of how “better” develops is up to my HP.
As I sit at my desk and type this and gaze out at the lights of BRC Recovery across the street I am filled with the wander and awe of this season. How in the world did I get here? How in the world did I go from a hopeless alcoholic to a woman of dignity, integrity and grace that is able to match her intentions with her actions? I will never understand the Power that raised me up and set me free. But, I sure am grateful. And, it sure is better…
Happy Holidays All!
Marsha Stone, CEO