For many years, I bought into the delusion that if I wanted to stop using, I would. “I just don’t want to,” was my response to family members and loved ones who watched me face external and internal consequences repeatedly. Despite the uncontrollable sadness, anxiety, overwhelming anger, and an overall inability to show up for life, I could not see how sobering up would solve these problems. It seemed impossible, and honestly, I was not interested in a new way of living.
At 18 years old, I was faced with a number of legal consequences – consequences I was sure were merely being put in my path as a scare-tactic. The level of entitlement within me at that point is astonishing to look back on today. I was certain family would pick up the pieces for me yet again.
Due to these consequences, I was placed in a drug court program in the Midwest. My sobriety was verified multiple times per week, outpatient treatment was mandatory for 18 months, and Twelve Step meetings were required. With, what I thought would be, a set up for success, I could not seem to pull off any more than three months of continual sobriety. The bedevilments on page 52 of the Big Book were alive and well in me with any length of time without drugs and alcohol. County jail became my second home for the next 18 months.
On October 1, 2013, I was faced, yet again, with my inability to remain sober for any period of time and the consequences that I was promised 18 months prior. As I sat on my bunk in county jail, that had become much too familiar to me, I conceded to my innermost self that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol. The lies I had tried to sell others and myself were just that – lies. I was sure that I would walk through the next five months in a correctional facility and use again, regardless of how badly I wanted to do something different with my life. Mind-altering substances had become my master. I had, finally, been beaten into a state of reasonableness.
I entered BRC Recovery on March 7, 2014 after a long-term cognitive and behavioral treatment program. In the next four months, I would come to find that there was a solution to what I was suffering from. I learned that there was a three-fold disease that explained me and the vicious cycle I had been stuck in to a “T.” I could see a light at the end of the tunnel and was willing to believe that the women’s program directors at BRC knew how to help me.
My journey, from that point on, has been very simple. Not always easy, but simple. I was taught to follow direction, take suggestions, and sit with the truth about myself. The past three years of my life have entailed the same three, simple tools. Although I could not see it at the time, I can now see that I was, indeed, gifted with a divine intervention from my Creator. I am, and will be, forever grateful for the divine intervention that interrupted my self-will, leading me to the life of love and abundance I am able to live today.
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