Three years ago
Three years ago, as I sat alone paralyzed by fear on yet another seedy motel bathroom floor, I was wondering why I had to experience a level of inexplicable internal pain for what seemed like so many years. The only explanation my besotted mind could believe was this suffering would one day be useful to someone else. I had heard for years that the solution to my self-centered condition was to “help someone else” or, “do something selfless for once in your life”. These notions seemed less than improbable to fill that seemingly insatiable hole within, that’s only fix was a perpetual cycle of chaos fueled by self-pity and a nasty drug habit. I was full of knowledge I couldn’t, or just wouldn’t, apply. I called a mentor of mine, a woman who had always provided me with a glimmer of hope, but this time there was no hope in her self-assured voice. She said to me, “Katie, you are beautiful and smart, but you are going to die from this disease.” I believed her. I was dying.
That was three years ago. Since then, I have surrendered to a Power other than myself. I have felt every feeling I can imagine and I haven’t had to take a drink or drug to change the way I feel. That, in and of itself, is the greatest miracle of all. The book says that deep down within every man, woman, or child is the fundamental idea of God. How promising. I can’t deny that fact any way I try to twist it… There has always been an “idea” so how then I chose to interpret that idea is up to me. I could pick my own conception. It’s a Power I can’t explain, see touch or feel. However intangible this Power is I feel the presence of it when I look into the eyes of another woman, whose history is identical to mine, and watch her spirit come alive. It’s truly incredible and certainly powerful. I am blessed enough to watch these women grow into the women that God intended them to be. I see it not only in my personal program of recovery, but I experience it every day at work as a recovery coach.
I now understand that day, on the motel bathroom floor, more than ever. When I stopped fighting, and gave up, God entered my heart. With His help, I am able to carry the message of hope that has been so freely passed down to me. In return, countless women will continue to carry this same message to the next woman suffering. Life is a privilege, and now I know why.